Joe the Veep

Biden Thrown Under Short Bus

2009-02-15T15:46:00.000-08:00

Come on people. Is this your message? You're just setting up Joe to be the comic relief because Hopey's the most humorless president since Woodrow Wilson?

The competitors in the Special Olympics work hard. They're handicapped. Not "differently-abled." Handicapped. Meaning that they start at a disadvantage. And through pluck and courage, overcome those obstacles. It should be inspiring. A Triumph of the Human Spirit. The sort of thing a First Lady ought to handle. Not an occasion for low comedy and cheap late-night shots.

But now President Hopey, who did his best to toss Joe under the bus by describing him as an unfathomable nit-wit (when Joe actually made more sense about the "so-called stimulus" as he calls it than any official speechwriter), announces Joe will host the Special Olympics.

Oh, very droll. Websites are all over this, from the discreet but snarky "no comment" to the indiscreet but still snarky "Obama finds the perfect role for Biden."

How does this enhance the Special Olympics? How does this burnish Biden's reputation? Obama is a genuinely horrible person. Who makes handicapped kids the butts of his petty in-fighting jokes.

UPDATE: Check out our new sponsors (and by sponsors we mean blogs we link to)! At Friends of Joe to your right, you'll notice Fuck You, Penguin, the blog that tells cute animals what's what, Big Hollywood, a haven for creative Hollywood-types who are either libertarian, conservative, or just basically pissed off at Hollywood, Hot Chicks With Douchebags, featuring commentary on hot chicks who unaccountably end up photographed with douchebags, and The New Majority, featuring, well, a bunch of douchebags plus one hot chick (hi, Moira!) Stay tuned to JTV for the finest linkage on these our sovereign internets.

Murtha Empire Collapsing

2009-02-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

The mood in the JTV newsroom has been understandably tetchy of late, what with disrespect for Joe being piled upon disasters for the nation (and is there really any difference?) So it's time for a break from depressing news items, like the fact that Geithner's bailout plan was laughed at when presented to Congress this morning, and roundly dismissed by the markets, which plummeted when it was announced just as the Please Don't Embarrass Obama bill passed the Senate. Enough of that. It's time for a news item of undiluted joy.

For the second time in as many months, a company with close ties to Jack Murtha (D-Moveon) was raided by the FBI. This is starting to resemble a pattern. Murtha is perhaps most famous for his condemnation of our troops in Iraq, calling them murderers of innocent women and children over the incident in Haditha. The personnel involved were cleared some years ago, but Murtha refused to retract or apologize for his statement.

JTV readers are most fond of his antics, however, because of his assertion that the racism of the voters in his Western Pennsylvania district would prevent them from voting for Obama. Catching some heat from his constituents over that remark, he backed off, explaining that what he didn't mean to call them racists. What he really meant to say was that they were rednecks.

He still somehow managed to get re-elected, leading to speculation that maybe the people in his district are dumber than dirt after all. But at least he's in the crosshairs of the feds. From the archives, the Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Murtha and Joe. Gird your loins!
UPDATE: Ed Morrissey connects the dots between the two FBI raids. The only connection is Murtha.
[NB: Now you can access all of the SNL sketches starring Joe! Just click on the "Joe on SNL" links provided at left.]

As Promised, a Special Comment

2009-02-09T23:40:00.000-08:00

This will not stand. Our President, seemingly dazed into torpor by Marine One head injuries, held his first in a series of House-cancelling prime time press conferences, with the apparent aim of boring and annoying the nation into submission for whatever half-assed, misbegotten, godforsaken, irradiated giant rubber Japanese monster of a bill he lets Pelosi write while he hosts cocktail parties. Between tough questions about steroid use and zombie Helen Thomas groaning out some alleged question that sounded vaguely like "Death to All Juice," he took time out to gratuitously rip his own Vice President, Joe Biden

GARRETT: Mr. President, at a speech Friday that many of us covered, Vice President Biden said the following thing about a conversation the two of you had in the Oval Office about a subject he didn't disclose. "If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, if we stand up there and we really make the tough decisions, there's still a 30 percent chance we're going to get it wrong." Since the vice president brought it up, can you tell the American people, sir, what you were talking about? And if not, can you at least reassure them it wasn't the stimulus bill or the bank rescue plan and if, in general, you agree with that ratio of success, 30 percent failure, 70 percent success?

OBAMA: You know, I don't remember exactly what Joe was referring to...(LAUGHTER)... not surprisingly. . . I have no idea. I really don't.

Oh, very droll. In one ear and out the other, sir? Joe was, of course, entirely correct in saying that a project of such magnitude and uncertainty has an element of risk. He was merely incorrect in hinting that the Please Don't Embarrass Obama bill comes anywhere close to getting it right. It gets it whatever the opposite of right is. But you just had to go for the cheap laugh at the man you chose to be the second in command.

Let us remind you, sir, that your precious golden boy tax fraud Geithner, scheduled to come begging for another TRILLION DOLLARS of bailouts tomorrow because he blew the first $350 billion to no appreciable effect, damned near caused a trade war with China, averted only by Joe's timely correction. Let us remind you, sir, that you gave vent to your oath-taking inadequacies by making Joe work 20-hour shifts to swear in everyone in the executive branch and the Senate, some of them twice, just hoping he'd screw it up once to make you feel better. Let us remind you, sir, that Joe was given the unenviable task of cleaning up Hillary's campaign debt.

And finally, sir, let us remind you of Joe's ultimate sacrifice: the Superbowl party for the Finance Committee, specifically hosted with the aim of getting your other tax fugitive pal Tom Daschle confirmed. Ordinarily, Joe doesn't mind schmoozing with senators, even in such an unworthy cause. But this, this was a bridge too far:

“Vice President Biden and his family are just great people and terrific hosts. Teresa and I had a wonderful time, and her Terrible Towel worked wonders for her Steelers." - Senator John Kerry

Teresa loose in the Naval Observatory swinging her terrible towel. While John offers running commentary on the game. For hours on end. The horror, the horror...

Is there any greater loyalty than this? Beware, sir, the wheels on your bus may go thump, thump, thump, but after you've tossed your true friends overboard, who will be left to defend you? Not even a dog. Good night and good luck.

Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control

2009-02-08T22:45:00.000-08:00

Setting aside the fact that the Senate is being forced to hold its nose to blow a TRILLION DOLLARS by next week on the sole sheepish argument that we can't embarrass Obama in his first big thing, setting aside the fact that the vaunted smooth transition has been a scandal-plagued mess and the axles of the Hopenchange Express are getting clogged with blood and matted hair, setting aside all those domestic fiasci, the wheels are coming off our foreign policy as well. The Please Don't Embarrass Obama bill contains protectionist provisions that have resulted in threats of retaliation from Europe. Because the best thing you can do in a recession is start a trade war. The Russians have convinced Kazookiestan (Joe's term) to close down our main supply base for the Afghan War. Iran has mocked us as weak, launched a satellite, bared their broad buttocks and cried "behold, we honor thee most highly!" Yemen just released 170 suspected terrorists into the wild. Our fugitive criminal Treasury Secretary threatened a trade war (!) with China. Hugo Chavez is making racist jokes about our President, and Ecuador just kicked out our ambassador.

So what we really needed was Joe Biden heading off to Berlin for the international security conference thing. He had a script, so it was pretty dull. He apologized for absence of John Kerry, no doubt earning a sigh of relief from previous attendees. A few highlights:

Obama Was Not, I Repeat, Not Punk'd
It was not an accident that he gave his very first interview as President of the United States to Al Arabiya. That was not an accident.

If only it were. Let's see, Obama managed in that interview to diss the US, blame the Gaza situation on nonexistent Israeli settlements, and extend the hand of friendship to Iran. Who promptly swatted it away, saying it was a sign of weakness. And then they launched a satellite. And refused to meet with Joe Biden without preconditions (heck he was in town and everything, what gives?). Way to go, Hopey. Way to look out for the home team. Nice results.

Frankly, Poor Nations Have Cooties
To meet the challenges of this new century, defense and diplomacy are necessary. But quite frankly, ladies and gentlemen, they are not sufficient. We also need to wield development and democracy, two of the most powerful weapons in our collective arsenals. Poor societies and dysfunctional states, as you know as well as I do, can become breeding grounds for extremism, conflict and disease. Non-democratic nations frustrate the rightful aspirations of their citizens and fuel resentment.

Our administration has set an ambitious goal to increase foreign assistance, to cut extreme poverty in half by 2015, to help eliminate the global educational deficit, and to cancel the debt of the world's poorest countries; to launch a new Green Revolution that produces sustainable supplies of food, and to advance democracy not through the imposition of force from the outside, but by working with moderates in government and civil society to build those institutions that will protect that freedom -- quite frankly, the only thing that will guarantee that freedom.

Um, the Green Revolution is going to help poor nations? About the only thing the Green Revolution does for poor nations is use a bunch of perfectly good food for inefficient ethanol, and reduce crop yields by banning genetic science practiced since the days of Gregor Mendel. Quite frankly, the Green Revolution helps poor nations by keeping them poor and quaint and charming and poor. To be frank.

Joe went on to say that France needs to pony up more in NATO operations (they declined), and that Russia should unclench their fist and get a free hand or something (they chuckled and said no dice).

So has anything gone right in this misbegotten administration? Why yes, and Joe's responsible, natch. Tim Geithner, our newly-minted Treasury Secretary, noted tax fraud and mismanager of $350 billion, accused China of precipitating the financial crisis by manipulating its currency. Its own currency. Which isn't even held by anyone as a reserve currency, so we're not exactly sure how that creates a worldwide crisis. What would create a crisis and (you guessed it!) a trade war is the Treasury Secretary officially saying China manipulates its currency. That triggers automatic legal action. Thankfully Joe was there to clean up the mess. He clarified that Geithner didn't know what he was talking about, is a known criminal, and is whacked out of his mind on penetrating wood finish half the time. OK, so that's not a triumph, exactly, more of an aversion of yet another disaster, but it's really got to be embarrassing for Geithner when Joe Biden goes on television to correct your misstatements.

At this rate, Joe may be forced to pull a Weinburger and seize control of the government. At least he never asks you to fork over a TRILLION DOLLARS just to save him embarrassment. Cover him at the cafeteria now and again. Cab fare maybe. But not a TRILLION DOLLARS. And he's every bit as effective at foreign policy as Hopey. A bargain.

Biden Lands Toothless Sinecure

2009-02-02T18:15:00.000-08:00

Or a blue-ribbon commission, as they say in DC. The good news is, Joe gets to keep his vital honchoing responsibilities. He'll be honchoing the Middle Class, to be specific (in addition to honchoing the baseline on foreign policy). The bad news is, those responsibilities don't appear to be quite as vital as all red-blooded, right-thinking Biden-loving Americans had hoped. Here's the composition of the very important Middle Class Task Force (motto: Power On!):

The Labor Secretary and the Education Secretary. Neither of these are real actual cabinet positions. They just exist so that the real cabinet can attend the State of the Union Address while one of these dupes stays back at the White House and hopes the Capitol gets nuked. These are, in effect, the cabinet equivalents of the Snipe Hunt. "Hey, you've got a real important job. Here's a bag and a flashlight. Watch out for terrorist threats while we go get on TV." While these two nobodies might cause trouble by virtue of having nothing else to do and therefore showing up at Task Force meetings with ideas, Joe can probably overawe them with his sheer honchodom.

The Commerce Secretary. A literal non-entity. They still can't fill this job. The first nominee, the allegedly hispanic Bill Richardson, had to withdraw due to a federal investigation that somehow slipped through the bestest vetting process ever. The second nominee, an actual hispanic congressperson whose name eludes us, withdrew because he just plain didn't want the job. This is a congressman, turning down a cabinet post. He had previously turned down the (still unfilled) Trade Representative post on the grounds that "trade wasn't a priority" with the administration. No joke. So now they're trying to snap up a decidedly unhispanic GOP senator for the job, and he's not that thrilled with it. So not a lot of interest for the Commerce Secretary, though Blagojevich has made himself available.

The chair of the Council of Economic Advisors. We think this is Larry Summers. It may be someone else, who is doubtless beholden to Larry Summers.
Bottom line: Joe's going to be taking the minutes for Larry Summers. But at least it's something to do.

And still Evil Sarah manages to suck up all the headlines. Now people are whining because they don't get to see enough of her. "Where's our Sarah?" Oh, boo-hoo. Dammit, people, there is only one Vice President of the United States and that is Joe Biden. And Joe could've attended the Alfalfa Dinner with Barack and Sarah if he wanted. It's just that he needed to stay back at the White House and watch out for terrorist threats.

Cartographic Creep

2009-01-28T03:48:00.001-08:00

Is there no limit to Sarah Palin's blagojevan attention whoredom? In an underhanded attempt to steal headlines more properly belonging to the DULY ELECTED VICE PRESIDENT, Evil Sarah sucks the air right out of the newsroom with this presumably corrupt money grab.

A couple of observations. It's obvious that this photo was taken post-wardrobe-confiscation, in a cynical appeal to mouth-breathing Walmart shoppers. More alarming, however, is the Orwellian logo of Creeping Alaska reaching its sinister tentacles into every corner of the "Lower 48," as the alleged governor dismissively refers to us. What's more, the implied threat is entirely empty, based upon the vicious distortions of the now-debunked Mercator projection.

JTV will not be intimidated. We got news for you, Barb. Greenland's twice as big as Alaska ever was, and Joe Biden won the election. So put that in your little red wagon and smoke it.

Joe Screws Up Simple Task

2009-01-21T12:42:00.000-08:00

Oh, man. Career-Limiting Move. On the first day, too.

Given the easy job of swearing in some senior staffers, Joe Biden took the opportunity to mock Chief Justice John Roberts. Possibly because Obama didn't like being reminded of the smooth awesomeness of Joe's oath-taking compared to his own bungled fiasco, or maybe just because he wanted to maintain some basic decorum starting out, the President was not amused. Shook his head as if to say, "where's a bus when you need one?" We're not sure, but we think he might have then added, "dammit, Joe,I ask you to do one little thing, and already you've started screwing up." It's what he was thinking, at least.

JTV hopes Joe is allowed to hang on to his vital honchoing responsibilities. At least he can't be fired, constitutionally.

Praise Song for Joe Biden

2009-01-20T17:27:00.000-08:00

This was a glorious day for Joe (and the nation!), and all he had to do was show up. Because aside from Aretha, Joe's the only one who didn't totally blow it. The ever-classy Dems, displaying the charm and grace usually associated with Daily Kos, booed President Bush, and improvised clever taunts, such as "yeah, you're leaving office after your two constitutional terms and swearing in a successor who intends to continue most of your important policies; how does it feel, loser!" Vice President Cheney, confined to a wheelchair after an episode of domestic violence, oddly chose to wear a Nehru jacket while stroking a fluffy white kitten. And most disturbingly, our new President flubbed the oath of office, when it was somehow decided to place him thirty yards away from the Chief Justice with nary a teleprompter in sight.

And that oath isn't even all that hard to remember. The Vice-Presidential oath is far more rigorous and challenging and altogether Charlie Gibsonesque. Its substance, dating back to the Aaron Burr days:

Do you faithfully swear to faithfully discharge the office of Vice President of the United States faithfully?
I do.
And you have no misgivings of mind on this point?
I do not.
No pangs of conscience?
Nope.
Are you sure?
Yeah, man What are you trying to say?
Nothing, it's just that -- Really?
Look, just get on with it.

Despite this complex cathechism, Joe sailed through it without a hitch, unlike the stammering stooge at the top of the ticket. Obama's foozling of the oath was so bad that it may give new fodder for frustrated birth certificate conspiracists (did he really take the oath of office? is he really president?). Obama then lumbered into his much-touted inaugural address, destined to be chiseled in drywall at the new Inoffensive Adequacy Memorial.

Moving from strength to strength, we were treated to what was billed on the official program as a "poem." It failed to clear even the late-stage limbo bar last dropped to accomodate Maya Angelou. Ms. Alexander could've saved the trouble and substituted the lyrics to Chicago's "Does Anybody Know What Time It Is?" without sacrificing any perceptible meaning. Capping the festivities, a benediction was given by the Reverend Dr. Rich Lowry, entitled simply "Praise Song for Racebaiting." This lifted spirits somewhat after the depressing Coleman Francis film of the inaugural address and the alleged poem by having rhythm and occasional rhymes, as well as an actual clear point: Whitey's keepin us down.

After this series of unfortunate events, Joe and Aretha were looking pretty good. But not nearly as good as drop-dead gorgeous (and quite gainly) Jill Biden who, fresh from skewering Hillary, has apparently been hanging out with Condoleeza Rice. She's taken to calling herself Dr., and was wearing a short skirt and boots with a defiantly scarlet coat. This was in sharp contrast to the ungainly Michelle, who wore a chintz slipcover and decided to put her hair on sideways due to inclement weather. Point to Team Biden, in a day that rapidly became a rout.

Overall a proud day for the nation, as millions thronged the hallowed porta-pottie strewn ground of the Mall of America to hear Joe Biden flawlessly not screw up his oath to take back America. "Joe! Joe! Joe!" they chanted, having come from Alabama, San Francisco, the Virgin Islands and Scranton to witness this great moment in world history. Be proud, America. Prosperity at home, respect around the world. Today is a new day. Join with us in saying it. Vice President Joe Biden. Feels good.

Stimulus Package

2009-01-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

What the hell is going on in the Senate cloakroom? No wonder Joe's getting all sentimental. In a tingle-inducing Senate moment, Orrin Hatch gave this stirring tribute to Joe's testicles:

Hatch, a devout Mormon not prone to profanity, quoted historian Richard Ben Cramer who once wrote that the Delaware Democrat has "a breathtaking element of balls ... Joe Biden had balls."

Sounds like that natural male enhancement stuff really works. The Utah Republican (whose presidential bid was so cruelly mocked by the National Review gang) then defended Treasury Nominee Tim Geithner, claiming that "this dewy, clean-limbed young man has attracted the confidence of Wall Street, and he has a really sweet little tush."

Larry Craig could not be reached for comment.

Farewell to All That

2009-01-15T22:28:00.000-08:00

It's a bit too glib to make fun of Joe's farewell address. Sure it was maybe hokey and squishily sentimental. Maybe it went on a bit. But hell, he's been there 36 years. Most of his life. Who wouldn't feel a bit of a pang upon leaving, and give a lot of shout-outs to his friends? Joe Biden being squishily sentimental is Joe Biden at his best, pal. Stepping out of character for a minute, I do really like Joe, well-founded kidding aside. That's why I applaud his selection of the fine, strong, manly Champ the Killer Attack Puppy as compared to Obama's laboratory-spawned, focus-grouped hypoallergenic tofoodle. That's why I wish he'd stand up to Harry Reid. He's President of the Senate, dammit. He can have a Capitol office and sit in on meetings. He shouldn't let Harry Reid push him around. Of all the people to let push you around, Harry Reid comes pretty low on the list.

That's why I have steadfastly refused to report every stupid cookie-cutter "Joe Biden Will Be Insignificant" analysis story. I know some of you people are on deadline, and are tasked with writing a Joe Biden story, but show maybe a little originality. Did you just Google, cut, and paste? Pathetic, the lot of you. Journalists, my ass. If I want to run down Joe Biden, I'll do it myself rather than gliding off your snarky chablis-in-a-box drivel. No-talent pansies.

I also enjoy Joe because he says just about exactly what's on his mind. That's the raison d'etre for this site. Because what's on Joe's mind is usually entertaining. Woefully misguided as he often is on policy, squirrely as all get out as he is in public pronouncements, it's a strain to dislike him. JTV wishes Joe well. And I thought the speech was just fine.

However, his speech did inadvertently point out the danger in institutional reverence of the Senate. It's an exclusive club, and the awe of it reinforces senators into thinking that they are the Wise Ones. Pillars of the Nation, without whom the supporting walls would collapse, ending in chaos, anarchy and higgledy-piggledy*. This was the deep flaw in the McCain candidacy. My Senate colleagues agree. The DC press corps agrees. Therefore, it can't be wrong. We have achieved Consensus. Which is both bollocks, and unhealthy.

The speech was full of stories about senators who grew as individuals by voting for greeting-card sentiments, and thus felt better about themselves. At which point, it was group hugs all around. Never stopping to consider the practical effect on actual citizens who were going to have to pay for this stuff. As long as the senators grew and learned and felt warm and fuzzy, it was a beautiful thing. The best example of this is his recounting of Jesse Helms's opposition to the Americans with Disabilities Act:

I said, "Mr. Leader," I said, "I can't believe what I just heard on the floor of the Senate. I can't believe anyone could be so heartless and care so little about people with disabilities. I tell you, it makes me angry, Mr. Leader."

He said, "Joe, what would you say if I told you that four years ago, maybe five, Dot Helms and Jesse Helms were reading -- I think it's the Charlotte Observer, the local newspaper -- and they saw an ad in the paper or a piece in the paper about a young man in braces who was handicapped at an orphanage, who was in his early teens.

"And all the caption said was the young man wanted nothing more for Christmas than to be part of a family."

He said, "What would you say if I told you Dot Helms and Jesse Helms adopted that young man as their own child?"

The point is, of course, that the Helmses cared enough to back it up. As opposed to passing some feel-good measure that the feds wouldn't even pay for, that would impose enormous costs on businesses, and that would achieve little of importance to Americans with disabilities. However, I don't think Joe got that point. His take was more along the lines of 'even though they vote horribly, some people are still nice; group hug!'

The most telling story, however, concerns young Joe's query of elder statesman Jim Neeson "what's the most important thing that's happened":

He said, "The most significant thing that happened since I got here since I got here is air conditioning."

I thought, "Wow, that's kind of strange."

He said, "Well," he said, "You know, Joe," he said, "before we had air conditioning," he said, "all those recess lighting, all of they used to be great pieces of glass, like in showers." He said, "Come around May, that sun" -- he used to use a little bit of profanity which I will not use for appropriate reasons -- he said, "that darn sun would beat down on that dome hit that glass, act like a magnifying glass, heat up the chamber, and we'd all go home in May or June for the year. He said, "Then we put in air conditioning and stayed year round and ruined America."

Which is exactly the point, though the assembled senators laughed like it was a joke. Keep the Senate in session too long, and they feel the need to pass legislation. Even though most of it will be actively harmful to the nation as a whole, they count each law as an Achievement. Keep legislators in DC for too many months out of the year, and they just hang out with each other and a few reporters. And feel like Wise Men, Guiding the Destiny of the Nation. When by and large, most of them are bigger doofi than even Joe. OK, that's hyperbole, but they aren't exactly brilliant or even steady and sound.

So Joe, creature of the Senate, moves on, satisfactorily annoying John Kerry and that outright criminal Chris Dodd. With much woefully misguided but quite understandable and rather charming respect and deference.

But he'll be back, Harry Reid. Just you wait.

*higgledy-piggledy: n., a real mess

Biden Resigns

2009-01-15T08:54:00.000-08:00

JTV is shocked, shocked at the resignation of Joe Biden after 36 years in the Senate. "Spend more time with his family." As if. There's something behind this, which we'll get into as soon as our crack staff shows up. Like, this evening maybe. Apparently, they all are really busy doing actual work right now. Meanwhile, Anne Schroeder Mullins has this bittersweet retrospective:

He never fails to disappoint.

By the Numbers:

39: The number of minutes of Joe Biden's farewell speech on the Floor.

Also he of course gets the Quote of the Day, as stated in Biden's profile in the NYT with this doozy:

“I’m the most experienced vice president since anybody.”

Full coverage to follow.

Hail the Conquering Hero

2009-01-14T07:28:00.000-08:00

Mission accomplished on Joe's top secret Magical Mystery tour. Joe didn't want to tell you press guys this, but he was going to Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iraq (shhh). And so, indeed, he did. Without causing a nuclear war on the subcontinent (whew!), committing a serious gaffe (damn!), or just going nuts and claiming plenipotentiary powers to partition Iraq, as he is wont to do. He did, however, wear a series of cool shades in exotic locales. Successful trip, all around.

The trip was supposed to include five senators, but three bailed at the last minute: Reed (D-Sock Drawer), Collins (R-Washing Hair) and Kerry (D-Still Pissed About State Dept). So the only one left was Lindsey Graham, although along the way Joe appears to have picked up either Short Round all grown up or the heir to the throne of North Korea. Hard to tell.

Graham, of course, was the chubby kid in high school. He has never refused an invitation to anything, and too often assumed those that weren't in fact extended. McCain mistakenly thought that because Graham trotted at his heels with pathetic eagerness, he was leading some sort of centrist movement. Turns out, he had just been nice to Lindsey Graham once, and never managed to shake the guy. Joe could turn this to his advantage, of course. If he was nice to Lindsey on the trip, he could introduce him to Ted Kaufman, and then have two pocket senators. A Vice-Presidential party in the Senate. A rival court, if you will. That'd be something salvaged from this pointless boondoggle.

Another triumph was Joe's receipt of the Crescent of Pakistan, that nation's highest civilian award. It is reserved for those Chairmen of the Foreign Relations Committee who try but fail to pass an aid package for Pakistan, despite having a Democrat majority. As one might think, few have managed to earn this honor. Then he went to Afghanistan, where he braved the legendary Brutal Afghan Winter in a black shirt, blazer and cool shades, but still didn't look as suave as Hamid Karzai. Then it was off to Iraq, where he wore a black shirt, leather jacket and cool shades. There he may or may not have been reunited with top-JAG Beau Biden, which at least provides us with the excuse for another Catherine Bell photo.

Bidenophiles have doubtless been frustrated by the lack of press coverage for this important junket. This was apparently by design. For a week, Joe has been completely off the radar screen. He didn't even issue the standard boilerplate press releases after each stop, as is customary on these occasions. Most importantly, as outgoing head of the Foreign Relations committee, he was not present to question Hillary. Just imagine the risks involved in letting Joe ramble on for twelve minutes or so, freestyle, on live television, with the entire DC press corps leaning forward in their seats, pencils at the ready. The risk of a land war in Asia pales in comparison, and so the decision was made.

And naturally, Joe has now gathered sufficient information to tackle his chief foreign policy responsibility: honchoing the baseline.

Top Ten Biden Gaffes

2009-01-12T22:15:00.001-08:00

Of the campaign, anyway. The book is not yet closed. This is brought to us by our fellow newshound Ed Driscoll, who we recently discovered was responsible for the baffling Instalanche that had all of us flummoxed and frankly gobsmacked. Anyway, Ed has higher-tech facilities than we do, including a desk. But our crack staff are issued fedoras in a more traditional and quiet dove grey. So there's that.

We really need to hire a temp to update that Greatest Hits bar on the side. Maybe someone from the Post-Intelligencer.

Mondale Wishes Utter Failure on Biden

2009-01-11T14:28:00.001-08:00

What else are we to make of this headline from the Wilmington News Journal: "Former Vice President Mondale Deems Biden Fit to Follow Trail He Blazed"? First, the headline is way too long. Shape up, Wilmington News Journal. We know times are tough for newspapers, but hire an editor. JTV can spare a couple, cheap. Second, as Delaware's Newspaper of Record, you're supposed to be on Joe's side. Why would you try to link him to the lead-plated albatross of the Mondale legacy?

That legacy is summed up neatly by our headline-challenged friends:

The team lost re-election to Ronald Reagan in 1980, and in 1984, Mondale was the Democratic presidential nominee, only to lose to Reagan [by a margin of 525-13]. Mondale later was U.S. ambassador to Japan and unsuccessfully sought his old Senate seat in 2002.

In other words, Al Franken is a better politician than Walter Mondale.

As Jimmy Carter's vice president three decades ago, Walter Mondale was widely credited with transforming the office and making its occupant a central figure in administration policy.

We're not sure "credited" is the right word in regard to Carter administration policy. "Tarred" is stronger and more salient.

Mondale met with fellow Democrat Biden at his Washington transition office last week to share insights and experiences he gained as vice president under President Jimmy Carter from 1977 to 1981.

This had to be boring even to Joe. Hardly the venue of choice for aspiring flies on the wall.

Biden, who has served Delaware in the U.S. Senate since 1973, would not agree to be interviewed for this article. Through a spokesman, Biden issued a statement saying Mondale "had, and still has, that rare blend of policy chops and personal grace" that made him an effective vice president.

Smart move, Joe. Obama pursued a similar policy after receiving the coveted Gordon Brown endorsement.

Spider-Man vs Joe Biden

2009-01-09T09:38:00.001-08:00

In the latest action-packed edition of The Amazing Spider-Man, our acne-ridden wall-crawler saves the day from the evil Chamelon, who tries to disrupt the Immaculate Inauguration of Barack Obama. What this Dunst-fumbling dork fails to realize is that it's also the Inauguration of Joe Biden. Action-Obama, with his unique blend of wit and eloquence, delivers the box-office-gold line "I'm more upset by the Chameleon's shockingly deficient understanding of the electoral process." JTV has the same feelings about Peter Parker, who will never be Vice President.

Spidey even mistakes Joe for arch-villain The Vulture while cruising on Amtrak. No, really. This is real. Check it out (third and fourth pictures). Our crack staff perpetrated some journalism by looking up The Vulture on Wikipedia:

Another by-product of his exposure to the harness is that despite his age and lack of exercise, his physical strength represents the upper limit of human development.

This explains his ability to kick Chuck Norris ass.

On one occasion, he restored his youth through biochemical means.

One occasion? Those injections have to be renewed. Can't just let that stuff slide. However, Spider-Man could have stumbled on to something.

While in prison for dealing heroin, an engineer named Honcho becomes the cellmate of Adrian Toomes, who has revealed the designs of his Vulture harness to him. Memorizing how to construct the Vulture harness, Honcho, when released on parole, builds four red, yellow and silver Vulture harnesses which he equips himself and three petty criminals (Gripes, Pidgeon, and Sugar Face) with; gaining all the powers of the Vulture, the group call themselves the Vulturions.

As loyal readers know, Joe has compared himself to arch-villain Honcho, so it's not the first time Spidey has confused the two.

Parker's spidey-sense sends a tingle up his leg in last line of the issue: "Uh-oh. I think Biden sees me." Yeah, you'd better be scared.

Biden Seated at Kids Table

2009-01-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

In an historic event not seen since 1981, the four presidents and Jimmy Carter assembled for lunch at the White House. The Bushes flanked the President-elect, thrilling the nation by wearing matching ties. White House spokesperson Dana Perino later explained that the official "wussification of America" light-blue Presidential tie had been passed on to Obama to ensure a smooth transition, so Dubya had to borrow one of dad's. The most powerful men in the world exchanged comments about such weighty issues as the Oval Office rug, installed in 2001 after the dry-cleaners returned the previous one with an apologetic shrug and a refund.

Alas, Joe was not admitted into the main dining room, after his attempted imposture of Gerald Ford was penetrated by alert staffers. Which sucks, because ranking lower than Jimmy Carter is almost (but not quite) as bad as being shut out of Senate Democratic Caucus lunches by Harry Reid. However, Joe did get some face time:

Vice President-elect Joe Biden also held a private meeting with former President Bush at the White House on Wednesday.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall.

Biden Shipped to Afghanistan After Insulting Two Black Men

2009-01-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

Perhaps seeking validation after being bounced from Benjamin Button, Joe's motorcade added insult to injury by blowing past rebuffed Illinois senator-presumptive Roland Burris, splashing through an enormous puddle and drenching the newly-disenfranchised black man several times:

Amie Parnes, who has been hitched to the teeming Roland Burris entourage, reports that the man who would be Illinois Senator was halted by the Capitol Police to allow Joe Biden's motorcade to zoom through.

"We're stopping so the vice president elect can come through," said Burris, trailed by a half-dozen aides-de-camp who were, in turn, enveloped by dozens of cameras and reporters in the cold rain outside the Capitol. "Open this up, open this up!" Capitol officers shouted to reporters and cameramen. "Make a hole."

Joe then proudly took the oath of office for his historic seventh Senate term, and promptly questioned the judgment of the President-elect.

Veep-elect Joe Biden, chatting with reporters after his swearing-in, sympathized with Sen. Dianne Feinstein's gripe that members of the intelligence committee weren't consulted on Leon Panetta's CIA appointment.

"I'm still a Senate man and I always think this way. I think it's always good to talk to the requisite members of congress." As for failing to consult members, "I think it was just a mistake," he added.

A Senate man, indeed. It seems he just can't let go, as evidenced by his being shipped off to Afghanistan to prevent embarrassment prior to the Inauguration:

"The fact-finding delegation will make it clear to foreign leaders that they are not there to speak on behalf of the U.S. government, or convey policy positions for the incoming administration. The delegation extends its thanks to the Bush Administration for their cooperation in making this trip possible."

Everyone got that? The vice-president-elect of the United States is about to make a tour of foreign countries. But he’s doing that as chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, not as vice-president-elect. And nothing he says or does on that trip speaks for the current or incoming administrations.

JTV is surprised that the haughty, French-looking John Kerry (who as it happens served in Vietnam) would agree to join Joe on a trip to Afghanistan. Nearly as hazardous as joining Hillary on a trip to Bosnia.

Biden Bounced From Chick Flick

2009-01-06T10:27:00.000-08:00

In the latest dissing of Joe, he couldn't get in to see a lame-o girly-film. Our friends at the Wilmington News Journal have the disgraceful details

Inshirah Muhamut, an associate manager, said she closed her box-office line when she saw what appeared to be a Secret Service agent coming her way. The man asked her about tickets for the movie, which stars Brad Pitt, then left.

"Celtic has landed. Preparing the ground."

A few minutes later, she said, the Bidens came into the lobby. Jill Biden walked up to speak with Muhamut while Joe stood nearby. "She was asking me about other shows, but they really wanted to see 'Benjamin Button,' " Muhamut said. "He was maybe five feet away, looking at her. He was standing with his other Secret Service men."

He sent Jill to negotiate? And then settled on the chick flick? This is sacrificing all the gains he made with the selection of Champ the Killer Attack Puppy. No wonder Harry Reid thinks he can push Joe around

Remarkably, none of the other moviegoers appeared to notice. Employees said nobody mobbed Biden or called his name or asked for an autograph. "It didn't seem many people recognized him," said employee Becky Gingrich[!!!], 21. "Honestly, I think people were just too wrapped up in themselves to notice."

Decline of Western Civilization. Like we needed further proof.

"He had a black jacket and jeans on."

I suppose if you're Veep-elect and still manage to get turned away (from a chick flick), you feel the need to dress like Fonzie.

Gingrich and Muhamut said the Bidens didn't ask for special treatment. They simply mulled over their movie options and left.

See, if this had been the haughty, French-looking John Kerry (who by the way served in Vietnam), he would've said "do you know who I am?"

Way to Pick 'Em, Hopey

2009-01-04T18:34:00.000-08:00

In a startling blow to President-elect Obama's pledge to pick a Cabinet of average American weight, New Mexico Governor Bill "No, Really, I'm Hispanic" Richardson has withdrawn his hard-fought nomination for Commerce Secretary.

Let us take a trip down memory lane. Back in the primaries, everybody knew Richardson was campaigning for veep. He was nice to everyone (especially Hillary), and never made a case for why he would make a better president than anyone else. In spite of this, he managed to garner more votes than Joe Biden. Much good did it do him. Owing the Clintons every important office he had ever held, he then promptly jumped ship when it looked like Obama would win the nomination. Ragin' Reptile James Carville went so far as to call Richardson "Judas," and he wasn't far wrong. It was an astonishing betrayal. So obviously cynical and calculating, in fact, that it was assumed he had switched only with the express understanding that he would get the veep nod.

Hehe. Joe got the last sinister chuckle there. And Richardson, former Energy Secretary, former UN Ambassador, current Governor, got served up the warm bucket of spit that is Commerce Secretary. Doubtless reveling in the clouds of glory that trail all Commerce Secretaries since, um. Well, y'know. That one really important Commerce Secretary that everyone remembers. All right, so we can only remember Ron Brown, and that's just because his plane went down. But still, Richardson was offered a third-tier Cabinet post, elevating him somewhere above Rod Blagojevich. Until he became the first of Obama's picks to withdraw before the Inauguration, narrowly beating out Rahm Emanuel (and assuming Valerie Jarrett doesn't count):

Richardson, who will remain governor of New Mexico, is facing a federal grand jury investigation into whether he exchanged government contracts for contributions to three Richardson political committees.

"Let me say unequivocally that I and my administration have acted properly in all matters and that this investigation will bear out that fact," Richardson said in a statement. "But I have concluded that the ongoing investigation also would have forced an untenable delay in the confirmation process."

Obama said he was accepting Richardson's request to withdraw with "deep regret."

He then added "This is not the Bill Richardson I knew." OK, maybe we added that quote. But it's the sort of thing he usually says.

Democratic strategist Mary Anne Marsh told FOX News that with the cloud lingering over the Obama transition because of Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's alleged attempts to sell Obama's vacated Senate seat, the Richardson nomination would have been another unwanted distraction.

Note to press: this is a Distraction. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Richardson "was going to have a very difficult time getting through this nomination," Marsh said. "People really haven't looked at the Richardson situation and the more they looked at it, the more they realized" confirmation was going to be a problem.

Despite having 58 or 59 votes in the Senate, "confirmation was going to be a problem." Or maybe a Distraction. Ahem.

JTV is just glad that the Messiah can't constitutionally chuck Joe under the bus.

UPDATE: Jake Tapper tells us that Team Hopey is accusing Richarson of misleading them. So the "this is not the Bill Richardson I knew line" came faster than anticipated. Though JTV is insanely jealous of Ed Morrissey's line "the wheels on the bus go thump, thump, thump."

We Have a Winnah

2008-12-29T20:13:00.000-08:00

The Vice-Presidential German shepherd (second only to God's rottweiler) has been named by the Biden grandkids. The fine, strong, manly consensus name is Champ. This name narrowly beat out Pal, Sport and Ted Kaufman. And it's a damned sight better than Obama's proposed names for his hypo-allergenic tofoodle of "Che" and "Hugo."

What Would Joe Do?

2008-12-29T10:22:00.001-08:00

But first, a word about the Wilmington News-Journal. What a scam. OK, so they get the hot Biden scoops before anyone else, but it's gone to their collective editorial heads. For instance, we noted an article two Sundays ago about Ted Kaufman's priorities for his temporary fill-in Senate term. The article was flagged for later use, as there was a flood of Biden interviews and puppy acquisitions to cover. Not time-sensitive, it could keep for a slow Biden day. Now, they want to charge us three bucks for access to their lame article. In retaliation, we present this unflattering, non-News-Journal image of Ted Kaufman.

Thankfully, gentle reader, we are gifted with a photogenic memory, and can neatly summarize the article now sequestered behind a wall of crass commercialism. Kaufman's priorities were:

Listening to constituents;
Experienced-based wisdom; and
Implementing the will of Joe Biden.

This last, one has to think, is unique in the Senate. Joe's colleagues don't stop to ask themselves "what would Joe do." In fact, Harry Reid has all but barred him from the Senate floor, even though as, Veep, he's technically in charge of the Senate (hey Joe, man up; it's just Harry Reid; but that's a separate post). The Messiah certainly doesn't much care about Joe's judgment and wisdom.

But at least Joe Biden has a loyal adherent. Obama failed miserably to get Valerie Jarrett installed as his personal senator, and that fiasco's probably going to cost him the services of Rahm Emanuel. Hillary may well torpedo Caroline Kennedy, but it's not as if the new senator is going to ask "what would Hillary do." Joe is unique in that. He's got a pocket senator who's loyally warming the seat for Beau Biden's triumphant return from the JAG corps. And that is no small accomplishment.

We enclose the obligatory Catherine Bell photo.

Joe Threatens to Resign

2008-12-22T21:43:00.000-08:00

We at JTV watch Biden interviews so you don't have to. On Larry King Alive tonight, he said something that caused us to perform an egg nog spit-take. And then what with the necessary immediate clean up (can't just leave that stuff to dry), we were mired in a haze of self-doubt, bourbon and dairy products. He couldn't possibly have just said that, could he? Well, checking the transcript, he could say that. Because he's Joe Biden, that's why:

KING: What happens when a vice president -- when Joe Biden disagrees with his president?

BIDEN: Well, I think there's -- there's two kinds of disagreements. One is a disagreement on policy. And he is the president. I am not the president. I am there to give him my best advice, help him accomplish what he and I promised during the campaign.

But -- I don't expect this ever to happen, but it's possible there could be a fundamental disagree on principle -- on a very principled decision. And I think it's not happened in the past, but if that were to happen in the extreme, the only option a vice president has, I think, is to demur and step down.

Wha, wha, what was that? He just asked you what would happen if you disagreed. You didn't need to bring out the nuclear option. Hell, we know Rahm is 50/50 to make it to the Inauguration, but he can be fired. You can't, Joe, so why even go there? Step down?

Is this like David Caruso threatening to walk off the set unless he gets a better contract? Or is he hedging against the major foreign crisis during which Obama will make unpopular decisions? Or most likely, is it just Joe being given a little too much rope and running his mouth and saying crazy things.

Finally, after almost two months of being locked in a basement, that old Joe we all know and love is starting to show. Let the gaffes begin!

Head Honcho

2008-12-21T08:18:00.001-08:00

Joe sat down today for a hard-hitting interview with George Stephanopolous on This Week With David Brinkley. Stephie continues to be puzzled by Joe's role in the administration, so Joe came through with a charming neologism: his chief role will be "honchoing." On the domestic front, he'll be "honchoing the policies to restore the middle class." In foreign affairs, he'll perform the crucial (and vaguely icky-sounding) task of "honchoing the baseline."

There are various definitions of honcho around the web, though none in the verb form. It can mean a work boss, which doesn't seem plausible. It is a gay porn magazine, and we'll just leave that angle to Wonkette. Our favorite, however:

Honcho is a mutant who shares a mental link with the four other members of the Thunderiders. The five mutants can project their collective physical skills, strength, and knowledge into another person without diminishing their own abilities in any way.

Synergy, in other words. That's more like it. Joe clarifies by explaining that he'll shuttle back and forth between various executive office buildings and get the views of Obama's innovative "Team of Assassins" on particular issues. Upon finding that they disagree, he'll circle back and say, "come on guys, work with me." Upon them telling him to get lost, he'll write up a report and hand it off to the President. Sort of like being a reporter with three or four contacts.

So, he'll be very involved in the whole honchoing process.

On an unrelated note, Stephie asked him if he had been instrumental in convincing Hillary to take State. Stony silence. Dark scowl. Furrowed brow. Well, not that it actually furrowed, but you could tell it would've if it could've. Watch your ass, Steph.

On the plus side, though, Joe's getting another puppy. Well ahead on that front.

Doggie Style

2008-12-12T15:53:00.000-08:00

Taking advantage of the Distractions facing the president-elect, Joe has scored another point. The first point scored was to get his close aide appointed to his Senate seat, which Obama has rather embarrassingly failed to do. Not only that, but to pave the way for his son. Hell, even Hillary has some influence over her Senate seat, managing a drumbeat of anti-Kennedy press, after Sweet Caroline needlessly endorsed Obama in the primaries.

Score point two for Joe, he has stolen a march and won the Puppy Race. Take that, Messiah! CBS gets the scoop:

"The Biden family will soon have a new addition to their household: a German Shepherd puppy. The Vice President-elect previously owned three other German Shepherds so he’s familiar with the breed and its personality," a statement from Biden's office read.

The six-week old pooch was bred by Chester County, Pa., breeder Linda Brown who, according to the Wilmington News Journal, has been inundated with requests for a look at the newly famous canine.

CBSNews.com also confirms that the future second dog has not yet been named. While the decision lies with Biden's grandchildren, we are taking suggestions in the comment spaces below.

Joe's got him another in an ongoing series of police attack dogs. Pretty cool. And you can bet your buttons that the dog piddling on the hardwood at the Naval Observatory isn't hypo-allergenic.

UPDATE: Photo obtained. He's male, so we solicit naming suggestions. "Barack" would be ideal, whenever he has to use a rolled-up newspaper. "Bad Barack! Bad!" But that might create unfavorable press.

About Damned Time

2008-12-11T14:51:00.001-08:00

Joe's got his own commemorative plate, called "Collateral Victory." From the ad:

In November of 2008, the world changed forever. And standing adjacent to that change was Joe Biden . . . the Vice President-elect, with clean hair and articulate teeth, standing proudly in the shadow of history.

Finally, a little respect.

Team Player

2008-12-09T00:54:00.000-08:00

Joe wants you! To give money to Hillary of all people. Now, Joe should not be discounted as a fund-raiser. He's been in the Senate for thirty-six years after all, and that sort of longevity attracts moss. Also, he's soon to be Veep (yay!). Furthermore, he proved far more adept at garnering cash than votes in the 2008 bid, getting $11.3 million. Which works out to nearly $150 per vote. For the entire season, of course. Joe dropped the campaign after Iowa, so that works out to, hmm, let's see, an infinite number of dollars per delegate, or roughly $11.3 million for each percent.

The Irish as always are suckers for lost causes, so, trooper that he is, he sent out this email [edited for content]:

Subject: Our commitment to a friend

Our campaign pledged to help Senator Hillary Clinton — one of the vital members of our team and our future Secretary of State — retire her campaign debt. That’s the money her campaign owes to the vendors across the country that make our political process possible.

Barack and I had the deepest respect for Hillary as an opponent on the campaign trail. Her undeniable intellect, talent, and passion strengthened Barack as a candidate and tested our movement for change.

Thank you,
Joe

Of course, one might think that if Team Obama really had made such a commitment, they could have paid it out their own coffers, or from all those "Please Fund Our Transition for Hope and Change You Can Believe In So We Can Stay in Ritzy Hotels and Order Room Service" emails. That would've been the stand-up thing to do.

But, no, they just gave her the State Department instead. And for fund-raising, they sent in the A-team, Joe Biden.

If you're a good Catholic, like Joe, this may not seem unusual. However, if you're a Protestant, and you attend a Catholic Mass, you get blind-sided. You're used to a simple passing of the collection plate, and pitch in your five bucks or so, and figure your soul is OK and you can swallow the wafer and sit through the sermon and sort of hum the hymns and go home feeling like a good person. Not so at Mass. They pass the plate twice. The first time for general Church funding, and the second time for AIDS relief in Botswana or something. And then you feel guilty if you don't chip in, because you had that sawbuck ready and thought you were prepared, and now you're hastily rummaging through your pockets trying to remember if you went to the cash machine recently, and the plate comes your way and you feel like a total dope for passing it on unburdened.

But that pales in comparison to Team Obama's demands. They've been begging for money like Jim Bakker, when they obviously have such a superfluity that they need to find new and creative ways to spend it. And they hit you up every week. Must be the Chicago Way. But already the donation fatigue has taken hold in the liberal blogosphere. They've had it. Enough.

So don't hold your breath that a plea from Joe is going to retire Hillary's debt any time soon.

Mondale-Dukakis-Kerry Guy Offers Opinions

2008-12-08T23:06:00.000-08:00

Bob Shrum is a genius. He must be a genius because he never, ever wins any campaigns, and still manages to get paid enormous sums for his advice. And he takes a swipe at our Joe, saying the Foreign Relations Committee has been ill-served.

The new answer, or hope, is not just more troops, but “soft power.” Applied to Afghanistan, this means economic reconstruction, jobs, schools, credible regional government and more culturally sensitive uses of armed force. In other words, defeat the enemy by making friends.

Bob Shrum, military strategerist, wants us to build schools. Oh, and Create Green Jobs.

John Kerry may not have become Secretary of State, but he is Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, which in recent decades has lost its historic role of educating Americans about our challenges and options overseas. He should restore the committee’s luster—and its purpose—by holding hearings on Afghanistan. A dose of realism here would be a fitting end to Bush’s delusion and bravado and perhaps to some easy assumptions on the Democratic side, as well.

Hey, hey, hold on here Shrummie. Joe's been on Meet the Press like fifty-seven times since he became head of the Foreign Relations Committee. You think having John Kerry drone on and on while saying nothing is going to lend new luster? A John Kerry speech lends luster to nothing, pal. Especially not after he just got summarily dismissed by Obama, hypo-allergenic alpha dog.

I was part of the 2004 Kerry campaign

Which is really all you need to know. Except that Shrum has been advising eight presidential campaigns during his, ahem, storied career. His record stands at 0-8. People like to refer to the Bob Shrum Curse. We at JTV submit a less supernatural explanation: Bob Shrum's advice sucks. Anyone that pays good money for it is an idiot who deserves to lose. If they're going to start their campaign by hiring Bob Shrum, only the good Lord knows what kind of decisions they'd make when in office. So it's a blessing that none of them actually get there.

So lay off the insults to Joe, Mr Eight-Time Loser. Joe was twice the Foreign Relations Chairman that disgruntled loser John Kerry will ever be.

Who Stole Joe's Portfolio?

2008-11-26T07:13:00.001-08:00

Helene Cooper of the NYT offers up this gleeful hit piece on our poor Joe.

The day before Joseph R. Biden Jr.’s birthday last week, Barack Obama surprised him after lunch with candlelighted cupcakes. Within hours, the photograph of the president-elect and his running mate, smiling over the dessert, was on the evening news.

The photograph, circulated by Mr. Obama’s office, was meant to project unity, confidence and camaraderie. But while Mr. Obama has moved quickly to assemble his White House staff and the beginnings of a cabinet, he is lagging behind even the chronically late President Bill Clinton in bringing clarity to the role his vice president will play.

So far, Mr. Biden has not been given a defined portfolio, the way Al Gore was given the environment and technology in 1992. And Mr. Obama’s aides say they do not expect Mr. Biden to assume the kind of muscular role that Vice President Dick Cheney has played over the last eight years, although he is expected to put out a number of fires.

“I’m sure that there will be discrete assignments over time,” said David Axelrod, a senior adviser to the president-elect. “But I think his fundamental role is as a trusted counselor. I think that when Obama selected him, he selected him to be a counselor and an adviser on a broad range of issues.”

In other words, Joe's being shut out.

With Mr. Obama having settled on Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton as secretary of state, Mr. Biden, whose most recent Senate post was chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, has privately told people that he recognizes he will not be the point man on foreign policy.

As reported earlier on JTV.

Mr. Biden has also interviewed candidates for chief economist, and associates say he is honing his economic credentials.

Oh, goody. Perhaps he can consult financial wizard Chris Dodd.

Mr. Biden has been keeping up with his outreach to foreign leaders; two weeks ago he called the three leading candidates for prime minister of Israel, Tzipi Livni, Benjamin Netanyahu and Ehud Barak. He has also reached out to President Alvaro Uribe of Colombia, President Mikheil Saakashvili of Georgia and Javier Solana, the foreign policy chief of the European Union.

And what foreign leader doesn't mark his calendar for an hour-long BS session with Joe?

Helene continues "Mr. Biden is spending most weekdays in Chicago, where he stays in a hotel and has lunch once a week with Mr. Obama."

It's so sad. However, if you've got to be completely marginalized, we can think of few more pleasant places to do it than the Palmer House Hilton. Trader Vic's in the basement makes a mean mai-tai. We know that those earnest youngsters giving $50 a month to the Obama Pledge Drive are pleased as punch that the entire team is being put up at the Palmer House rather than the Drake. But wait, Valerie Jarrett, Obama's most clueless advisor next to Susan Rice, offers a ray of hope:

“I don’t think there’s any risk of Vice President-elect Biden being marginalized, regardless of who else is in the cabinet,” said Valerie Jarrett, a senior adviser to Mr. Obama. “Regardless of who is selected, there will be plenty of talent around the table.”

OK, cancel that. Not really a ray at all.

Aides say Mr. Biden and Mr. Obama sometimes rib each other in private meetings, and they maintain that Mr. Obama was not unduly angry at Mr. Biden for his gaffe predicting that Mr. Obama would be tested by a world crisis in his first six months in office.

The key word being "unduly." That's about as convincing as "with all due respect."

Since then, however, Mr. Biden has not had much to say to the news media.

No kidding. We're dying out here. Free Joe!

Kevorkian Tapped for Biden Seat

2008-11-25T12:43:00.000-08:00

The good doctor has been appointed to the Senate by governor Ruth Ann Minner, so he can go on Meet the Press a lot and finally put Tom Brokaw out of our misery. After that godawful "debate" moderating, it's really the kindest thing.

Hang on, wait a minute, we mean Kaufman. Not Kevorkian, though looking at the picture, you can understand our confusion.

Ted Kaufman, as hard-core Bidenophiles are keenly aware, is Joe's long-time advisor and the man at the helm for Joe's brilliant presidential campaign. Not the 1988 campaign, where our Joe was proud to be listed as one of the Seven Dwarfs, propelled to prominence by Gary Hart's early exit due to his Monkey Business shenanigans. No, it was the spectacular 2008 bid, where he got 79,000 votes (1%) in Iowa and then dropped out. So when Ted says “I will do this job to the fullest of my ability,” you can rest assured that Delaware's now in good hands.

Unfortunately, some Delaware Democrats are not giving their new senator the honeymoon he deserves. They seem to feel that this is a thinly disguised attempt at some good old-fashioned Murkowski-style nepotism, merely paving the way for the 2010 accession of former state attorney general, the oddly named Beau Biden. Who is currently serving in Iraq in the much feared JAG corps, splitting his time between reading al Qaeda its rights and trying to hook up with Catherine Bell.

Joe issued a statement both praising the selection of Ted and stumping for young Beau:

"It is no secret that I believe my son, Attorney General Beau Biden, would make a great United States senator — just as I believe he has been a great attorney general. But Beau has made it clear from the moment he entered public life, that any office he sought, he would earn on his own."

Ahem.

The Delaware News Journal, incidentally, confirms our earlier scoop that Joe's transition team consists of two people. And one of those just got appointed to the Senate.

UPDATE: We are informed that the 79,000 votes were for Joe's entire campaign. Consisting of 0.21% of the vote. Falling just short of Kucinich. JTV regrets the error.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-24T10:33:00.000-08:00

Watch more Yahoo! Video videos on AOL Video

She can't be content to make Shuster and Olbermann twist their panties, screech like little girls, and run upstairs to fling themselves on the bed sobbing. Oh, the humanity! Those poor, innocent turkeys. Nope, she's not content to be up to her elbows in the blood of helpless poultry. Nor is she content with her demonstration of the Pardon and the consequences of not being Pardoned. Even after she shot wolves out of helicopters, she decided to expand the wolf-culling initiative not only beyond the lupine species, but to export her slaughter to the lower 48. She's descended to personally tossing turkeys out of helicopters.

We're so very happy that Joe got the Veep job instead of Evil Sarah. Cause when Evil Sarah shoots you, you don't walk away.

Other Joes in the Meta-News

2008-11-22T21:29:00.000-08:00

Morning Joe beats CNN! Yes, we know, what's on CNN, you ask? The really hot and fun Kiran Chetry, who is also woefully miscast. She needs a show which lends scope to improvisation.

IE, Morning Joe, the surprisingly direct heir to Imus in the Morning. By which I don't necessarily mean that Scarborough is the grumpy old jerk who feels more or less like most of us feel in the morning, as opposed to most of the morning shows featuring chirpy chipmunks whom no man of sense can stomach. Though he is.

No, it's a great show because the guests get 10-15 minutes of air time in serious questioning. Also, you never get holiday recipes, unless they're chuckling fondly about Palin turkey atrocities.

And we stand up for Mika. She gets it coming and going. She stands up for Evil Sarah and the Messiah. So she get lots of hate mail, obviously. But she is the ideal dinner party hostess (as opposed to Peggy Noonan, who is the ideal dinner party guest). She keeps the ship moving on an even keel. Keeps the conversation going.

And what guests she has to keep in line. In addition to loose cannon Joe and snarky Vanderbilt alum Willie Geist, she's got the muppets (pictured right), Barnicle and Buchanan.

Some have alleged that we here at JTV have only started this blog to eventually get invited on and get a big hug from Mika, the only one of the top ten hottest anchorettes who hugs her guests (man, can't believe Megyn only got second).

No way. We're in it for the money.

Joe's Special Day

2008-11-22T16:39:00.000-08:00

Loyal reader Bright ties a string round our finger and reminds us that Joe Biden just had his 66th in an ongoing series of birthdays. Never ever again will we forget Joe's birthday.

Yes in trying to assuage Joe's feelings of boredom and disgruntlement due to the looming Hillary appointment, Obama made it all better in that suave, charming style of his that gives so much Hope to those who dream of a new Camelot: by deigning to show up personally with a dozen cheapo cupcakes from Safeway. Change.gov has the riveting details.

Vice-President-elect Joe Biden turned 66 years old today.

To celebrate, President-elect Barack Obama surprised him at the Transition's Chicago headquarters yesterday with cupcakes, candles, and a stirring rendition of Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday, Joe!

One Wonkette reader speculates that "they are celebrating the New World Order with their secret Flaming Liberal ritual, the passing of burning food." We believe its more of a Chicago-style "sign of respect". How much respect, you ask? Well, let's quantify. Those cupcakes are worth:

Well over half the annual wages of Obama's Kenyan brother; and

Nearly twice the value of that corned-beef sandwich Obama bought for Rahm Emanuel the other day.

As a further sign of the high esteem in which Obama holds his new Veep, Joe's transition team consists of two people and a flag. Also some flaming cupcakes.

Stately Biden Manor

2008-11-20T10:59:00.000-08:00

Anyone here ever played the Game of Life? If so, do you know how you're scraping down the road in the homestretch? And while doing so you spare an affectionate glance at the pink peg slotted next to you, driving through the cypress-lined path toward the finish line at Xanadu? All the time checking out the enormous spinning wheel just over the hillside which governs all our destinies?

Joe Biden's already been there, pal. Joe Biden, poorest man in the Senate, has got this Beverly Hillbillies spread, but with a bigger yard and several outbuildings and a mile of driveway. You wonder why Joe takes Amtrak instead of getting a DC condo? Here's your reason. How he got it is a mystery (well not to us, but that's a separate column and let's just say we're glad to see Citicorp getting a little boost in the markets).

So why then does Joe give less than half a percent of his income to charity? Sure, Team Obama used to say it was because Joe and Jill donate time. Pfui! How much is an hour of Joe Biden time worth? Bill Clinton's underwear donations are worth more, for E-Bay value alone.

Well, think about it. You're scraping along in your plastic car (the wheels don't even work, but you figure you can live with that), you look back at your adoring plastic children pegs, who get sinecures from companies under your senatorial oversight, you pull up to the finish line, and you're thinking things are good. Then you get slapped with the news that you're the poorest guy in the Senate. Bound to piss anyone off.

So screw the poor. We're with you, pal.

Don't Hate the Playa

2008-11-19T12:34:00.000-08:00

How dare they?

We here at Joe the Veep are understandably bitter that we weren't able to attend the National Review post-election cruise this year. Much like with Joe, the poorest man in the Senate, times are lean with us here. So we went back and watched this Comedy Night from the eve of the New Hampshire primaries. And we are frankly stunned at the lack of respect for Joe's Senate experience and the vile hatred for senators as a class.

Seated left to right are Jonah Goldberg, goateed Biden-envier and columnist for the LA Times and other actually reputable outlets, Mark Steyn, limey bastard Biden-loather and columnist for the Anglosphere, and Rob Long, Cheers producer and inspiration for a generation of Patton Oswalts.

These snarky jerks spend the first seven and a half minutes riffing on how bad senators are at campaigning for president. Steyn, in fact, seems to revel in the capacity of the US primary system to humiliate Washington big-shots. Oh yeah? We just elected a ticket with not just one, but two senators. Country's in good hands.

Back then Goldberg gloated about how, now that Joe Biden's out of the race, he can go back to hypnotizing us with his teeth. Damn right he can. For the next four years. Who's laughing now, college boy?

Joe Biden Brings the Train

2008-11-18T13:21:00.000-08:00

Joe Biden was on Saturday Night Live! Well, not really. To my knowledge, Joe has never been on the show, unlike McCain, Evil Palin, or even the spectacularly unfunny Obama. Which sucks, because he's the most intrinsically funny person in the bunch. Doesn't even have to try.

Much like Joe himself, the unswervingly Greek Jason Sudeikis impression of Joe has been underrated, overshadowed by Hammond as McCain and Fey as Evil Sarah. Armisen as Obama can be forgiven, having very little to work with, as Obama is the most humorless president since Woodrow Wilson.

Which means Joe could be coming into his own, baby! He even got the opening scene to himself. We're very pleased that they used the "Office of the Vice President Elect" seal. If Obama can be outrageously pretentious, dammit, so can Joe Biden. And the attempted wink, sadly defeated by botox, is genius.

"I would make a better president than Barack Obama."

We can only dream, Joe.

[Yes, gentle reader, we know the format of this post sucks. Once we get in touch with our web designer we'll figure out how to embed videos other than youtubes. In fact, we'd like to have all of the SNL Biden parodies in a row at the bottom of the screen. Hmm.]

Other Joes in the News

2008-11-18T12:14:00.000-08:00

Joe Lieberman (I-CT, formerly D-Media) has been grudgingly welcomed back into the fold, retaining his chairmanship of the Homeland Security Committee. As keen observers are aware, the call for Joe's head has been deafening ever since he daringly stood up for the troops rather than pretending he had never voted for the Iraq war twice (a tactic shrewdly followed by our own Joe Biden). Despite voting for everything else the Democrats supported, that refusal to duck responsibility was just too much.

So naturally, a bunch of Kossites in Connecticut turned up to turn out Joe in favor of Ned Lamont, only to have their hopes dashed when Lieberman beat Ned after it was revealed that Lamont had not, in fact, murdered Jon Benet as originally claimed. While some attribute this to Lieberman's "Big Dummy" ads against Lamont, we here at Joe the Veep are sticking with the Ramsey angle.

Never defeat a Kossack. Appeasement is the only way to safety. However, the only path to punishment now was to strip him of his chairmanship, kick him out of the Democrat caucus, and thus force him to vote Republican. Which is clearly what Harry Reid (D-Mafia) was itching to do. But didn't.

I think El Rushbo has it about right. Obama, hypo-allergenic alpha dog, told Reid "uh, look, this is how it's going to be." He needs as many Democrat votes as he can get, and Lieberman's seat is Lieberman's seat.

Reid claims that "nobody was more angry than he" at Lieberman's endorsement of McCain. Yeah. Can anyone ever think of a time when Reid hasn't been completely rolled by anyone? Just anyone. The man makes Tom Daschle look tough.

Foreign Policy Smackdown

2008-11-18T11:54:00.000-08:00

Joe vs Hillary! Not since he defeated Chuck Norris has Joe Biden faced such a test. But since Obama has apparently hired Don King as his transition advisor, Hillary's looking good for the post. And if we hear the words "team of rivals" just one more time . . .

On the surface, there's not much difference. Both voted for the Iraq war (twice!), and then tried to pretend they had been somehow slipped a date-rape drug by Don Rumsfeld and weren't responsible. In fact, you get talking heads on the cable networks saying that Joe, not having jumped ship by endorsing Obama, gets along famously with Hillary. So far, so good. But then they go farther and assert that Joe will therefore have a big role in foreign policy.

Does anyone believe that? Hillary, frustrated in seeking the highest office in the land, will now be given the foreign policy portfolio of the most powerful nation in the world. She wouldn't be interested in it if it wasn't a significant power grab. And she's going to be taking advice from Joe? Get real.

And that's such a loss. Because Joe Biden was selected for his foreign policy chops. Joe Biden is to foreign policy what Chris Dodd is to banking. Joe opposed everything Reagan did to bring the Soviets to their knees. Joe's first reaction to 9/11 was "maybe we should write a check to Iran for $100 million, no strings attached." Joe voted for the Iraq war (twice!), and voted against the surge. Joe still believes we should partition Iraq into three separate countries. Hasn't ever worked in history, but there's a first time for everything.

If those decisions don't make sense to you, then you're nowhere near the IQ level of Joe Biden, foreign policy savant. Who, with the selection of Hillary, will just be roaming the streets of DC bored and disgruntled, willing to talk to any reporter that buys him a drink.

And a bored Joe Biden, like a little knowledge, can be a dangerous thing.

Karl Rove, Bitter Evil Man

2008-11-17T18:14:00.000-08:00

Karl Rove has done the unthinkable. Sure many have told us he is the incarnation of all that is evil. We always blew this off, thinking they were letting partisan hatred cloud their thinking. He's like the weather. Anything that happens, libs start muttering darkly about a Karl Rove high-pressure center building in the Rockies. But the scales have fallen from our eyes. He has finally gone too far. He has criticized Joe Biden:

Do you like Joe Biden?
I think he has an odd combination of longevity and long-windedness that passes for wisdom in Washington.

Dammit, Karl. Just give away the raison d'etre for this site. Try to strangle Joetheveep in its cradle, why don't you?

Karl is just the anti-Christ.

If Joe Can Do It

2008-11-17T08:49:00.000-08:00

Anyone can. That is the lesson of this election, and should inspire us all. No matter how many scary, offensive, or downright stupid things we say, we can each of us hope to one day occupy the highest office in the land that involves no actual work. You can call the President a clean and articulate black man. You can talk about all the Indians at 7/11. You can, on the day of your nomination, lament how your wife is gorgeous, but unfortunately is educated.

And that, gentle reader, inspires us here at Joe the Veep. Joe is indestructible. Joe is bulletproof. Joe is the Rasputin of politics. George Allen said "macaca" once, a term with which three people in the country are familiar, and one of those was offended. Gone. Presidential ambitions dashed.

Pfft! Amateur. He's no Joe Biden. Joe Biden would've followed that up with one of them Polack jokes they tell in Scranton, and people would've laughed and sighed and shrugged and said, "oh, y'know, that's just Joe, so what can ya do?" In that vein, we'd like to kick off with a hat tip to Dave Konig over at National Review:

Think of it! Now, when foreign leaders come to America to meet with the President of the United States, as they enter the oval office, who will be hovering in the hallway, trying to casually look like he just happened to be passing by and, hey, maybe he could come in too and just kind of sit in the back and promise not to say anything? Vice President Joe Biden, a white, American male. “Who’s the white guy?”, they’ll ask. “Hmm?” President Obama will reply, “That’s our vice president — Joe Biden.” You know what those foreign leaders will think? “America — what a country!”

Indeed. If Joe can make it here, well, anyone can make it here. For four years at least. We're with you, Joe, every step.